Dear DoubleTake,
I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful husband -- my first real love -- and we have two beautiful kids, ages 4 and 7. All our friends used to say we have the best relationship. Even if we had fewer worldly things, he always made sure I got what I wanted; not the Mercedes, but clothes and other necessities.
We recently relocated to another country. I met a man at my work. He is also married, but we started flirting and it became a full-on affair. We both tried to end it a few times, but never did. We had such chemistry and the attraction was unbelievable. It lasted five months and, unfortunately, I fell so in love with him. He got a better job, but we still text messaged each other and met secretly.
His wife found a text message from me and all heck broke loose. He phoned me and said she would not stop until she knew who I was. A few days later, she phoned me and asked me why I was so interested in her husband. A few days later she came to my workplace gave me a photo of their daughter and told me that I took him away from her.
It's been three months since then, and I haven't heard anything from them. I see him often driving past, but that's it.
It has been extremely hard because I have tried so hard to fall back in love with my husband, but the other man is all I think about. I know if I meant anything to him he would have called or something, but he probably wants to fix his marriage.
I know I will get over him eventually, but now I feel that I do not deserve my husband. Everything he does irritates me, and sometimes I wish he could find someone and fall in love. He has always said that he never wants me to stay with him for the kids' sake. I agreed that we would be honest, but I can't tell him.
For the first time in my life I doubt everything I have except my kids. What do I do? Do I divorce him and let him be happy with someone else. I do love him, but it has become a friendship love.
Even though I know everything I did was wrong, if I had a choice will I do it again. I am ashamed and embarrassed for how I feel.

BETTY SAYS:

Trying to fall back in love with your husband is the issue here. I think in order to move past your adultery, you must decide if your marriage should end in divorce.

Staying together has its perks. But if that's what you choose, it's only fair for your husband to get the lowdown on your extramarital tryst. He doesn't have to know all the gory details -- just the facts. After all, the truth is likely going to come forth if you decide to serve him divorce papers.

Cut off all ties with your ex. Close the shades in case he drives by. Delete his texts, e-mails and any letters you may be hanging onto. And contact the proper authorities if his wife becomes overly hostile or violent. Sure, you'll think of him -- but you've got to face reality and realize that the past is past and this love affair is way over.

Try not to feel embarrassed. Affairs happen, but they can be forgiven. Your husband made vows to be with you forever. If you approach him with care, honesty and humility, I think you can repair this relationship.

EDDIE SAYS:

Divorce would be a hard choice. Telling the truth would be a hard choice. So you want us to give you the miraculous way to solve this without pain. You want an easy way out.

It does not exist. You cannot magically feel about your husband like you used to, and the odds are against him suddenly finding true love with someone else to move on to (not that it would make you feel better if he did).

Not that I want to comfort you about your affair, but the other man not calling you doesn't mean he didn't care. It just means that he also came to a fork in the road and, whatever pain it caused him, made his choice and drove on.

Right now, nothing can get better because you're trapped in one spot as if held in place by a curse. You can break out in a number of directions, but sitting at the crossroads gets you nowhere. If you want to stay with your family -- probably the more responsible choice -- you probably do need to confess. This wasn't a little fling that you can put away in a little compartment of your mind, clearly.

A bumpy road lies ahead no matter which way you turn, but keeping your life in park won't get you over the rough patch any more quickly.

Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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